What Impact Does an Affair Have on the Victim Spouse?
When one partner goes outside of the relationship for emotional or physical needs, the other partner may end the relationship, or forgive and stay in it, but either way, extra-marital affairs have major, negative effects that can be felt for some time.
1. Damage to Self Esteem:
The person who has been cheated on will suffer a blow to his or her self esteem. They may have the usual thoughts of, “Was I not enough?” or “If I hadn’t let myself go this would not have happened.” Just as children tend to blame themselves for their parents’ divorce, many victims of an affair respond to an affair by blaming themselves. The decision to cheat was not yours, and although their have been problems in the relationship, you did not make the decision to have an affair. Chances are it had much more to do with a deficiency in your partner than in you.
2. Loss of Trust in the Cheating Spouse:
The victim of an affair will find it difficult to trust. He or she may doubt their judgment of others. Even if this relationship ends, and another begins, the baggage of infidelity can follow. It is important to deal with your trust issues, even if it means getting professional help to do so. You and your future partner will be grateful in the long run that you dealt with the negative consequences of the affair.
3. A Sense of Emotional Instability:
You may feel your world has turned upside down. The things in your life that gave you a sense of security have been shattered. It is normal to feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. It is important to find that sense of stability inside yourself. Look at your survival skills from the past and realize you can cope with this, too.
4. A Roller Coaster of Emotions:
One minute you may feel like crying, the next screaming. You may blame him today, blame her tomorrow, and blame yourself at the same time. It is common when facing infidelity to feel a myriad of emotions. Realize this is normal. Feel what you are feeling and work through it. Don’t stuff your feelings. Seek outside help if you need someone to talk to about how you are feeling or if you are feeling overwhelmed.
5. Impacts all Areas of Life:
Extra-marital affairs can cause a ripple effect in your life. You may find yourself looking differently at your job, your friends, your life choices. This can be either positive or negative, but most victims of an affair say that it brought on changes in all other areas of their lives. It’s important that you not make changes to major areas of your life while in the midst of the emotional turmoil that accompanies an affair.
There are many reasons for cheating, usually it is done without much thought or consideration of the effects it can have on the other person. However, the effects can be devastating and take a long time to get over and work through. It is important that you address these effects, and find ways to work through them. Build a support network of family and friends, your clergy, professional counselors, or anyone else you can trust to help you overcome these effects and move on to a better future.
There is nothing simplistic about it — it’s heartrending. It’s a place in which you never thought you’d find yourself, or you never dreamt that couple would find themselves. It’s a pain no couple plans to share: infidelity.
According to research done by John & Marsh in the Journal of Research in Personality, approximately 30 percent to 60 percent of all married individuals in the United States will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. In this day and age, financial stress, parenting issues, disagreements over work-and-home balance, social media temptations, pornography and an array of other issues all have the potential to lead a couple down the road to infidelity.
Jerry was the football player, and Nikki was the beauty he dated throughout college. Shortly after graduation they married, and Jerry began to pursue his dream of attending medical school. They soon added two babies to their family, and life seemed full. It all felt wonderful as Jerry began to complete the last stage of medical school.
But things began to crumble when Jerry learned he hadn’t passed a necessary exam and couldn’t proceed without it. Nikki continued to pray and support him. She even held down the fort while Jerry traveled to a review class hundreds of miles away. The distance between Jerry and Nikki could be felt not just physically, but emotionally, as they both pursued good things — just separately. Nikki started to notice some unusual behavior in Jerry. He had more frequent trips away to “study,” and he engaged in private phone calls at odd hours of the night. Things just weren’t adding up. With complete heartbreak, Nikki’s greatest fears came true when she learned that Jerry had met a young female medical student who was studying to pass the same exam. At first it wasn’t a full-blown affair, but it rapidly became one. Nikki didn’t know what to do other than seek God and the help of godly friends who would walk with her as she fought to save her marriage.
Discovering and defining
Discovering an affair can cause deep and intense emotional pain. If you’ve been there, my heart goes out to you. The sense of betrayal, loss of trust and the sting of deception can be overwhelming. Typically this triggers deep emotions in both the partner being cheated on and in the spouse involved in the affair.
To be certain we are on the same page, infidelity is defined by Merriam-Webster as “the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband [or] wife.” Infidelity can also include an emotional connection without physical intimacy. It is often reported that the betrayal felt with an emotional affair can be equally as intense as that felt with a sexual affair. Either way, trust is broken, and the emotional impact of the affair is devastating.
During the discovery of any extramarital affair, many questions surface about the true colors of the marriage relationship. Typically, the unfaithful spouse is found to have struggles with low self-esteem, alcoholism, drug abuse or even a sexual addiction. Additionally, marital issues that may have been brewing for years are often uncovered. Typically, these will be unspoken matters that have increasingly caused disconnection, silence and a gradual separating of hearts between spouses. But the affair isn’t going to be the answer to any of the marital concerns. An affair is often born out of a fantasy in which an individual seeks to escape the reality of either individual or marital problems. And the person outside the marriage is often seen as the temporary solution to real-life challenges.
Encouragement and recovery
If you, like Jerry and Nikki, have experienced an affair in your marriage, I want to support you and offer some direction on how to save your marriage.
First, I encourage you not to make any quick decisions about ending your marriage. Take your time and do the hard work of understanding what was behind the affair. During this time, you will need to give each other space — possibly a temporary separation. Because of the deep emotions associated with betrayal and grief that often follow the discovery of an affair, the needed space is encouraged. This may look different for every couple, so I encourage you to do this under the guidance of a counselor, trusted friend or pastor. Nikki depended largely on a group of godly girlfriends who surrounded her as she considered what her next steps might be.
As I proceed in this discussion, I really want to address both parties involved in an extramarital affair: the offended spouse (the one who has been cheated on) and the unfaithful spouse.
Recovery for the offended
If you recently discovered your spouse has been unfaithful, I want to offer some guidance.
You may be overwhelmed by the level of emotion you are experiencing. These emotions can range from utter devastation to intense sadness and everything in between. If you find yourself in a season like Nikki did, with small children to care for and a house to keep up, know that Nikki admitted, “Some days it was difficult to just get out of bed.” The challenge will be in trying to manage your emotions.
To function during this heart-wrenching stage of your family life, taking great care of yourself is essential. You’ll need to attend to your basic needs for food, sleep, exercise and healthy stress management. Although it may feel unrealistic at first, the more you can do to meet these basic needs amid the emotional turmoil, the healthier you will be.
As you walk this difficult path, you will probably have many questions about the details of the affair, your own value, your spouse’s true character and what you did to contribute to the situation. Give yourself permission to ask your spouse questions about the affair or your marriage relationship, requesting complete honesty and transparency when he or she answers. As you question your own value or worth — an anxiety that often results after being cheated on — I encourage you to turn to the Lord. Ask Him to speak to your wounded heart about what He sees when He looks at you and what the truth is about who you are. Remember that God is the only source of truth that is fully reliable and always available.
During this time you’ll need to seek the support of family and friends. The Enemy would love to feed you the lie that no one else has been down this road, and he’ll try to deceive you into remaining isolated and alone. Don’t give in to the Enemy’s lies! Seek the support of godly friends who are willing to stand with you to help fight for your marriage. We encourage you to consult only with same-sex friends so you protect yourself from temptation.
Focus on your heart. Although it may take time, this focus will include forgiving your spouse. First and foremost, this does not mean forgetting what has happened to you or what your spouse may have chosen to do. Simply put, forgiveness is something you choose because it is beneficial to your own heart.
Begin to understand what you did to contribute to the state of your marriage. Although you are not responsible for your spouse’s actions or choices, it can be helpful to discover what changes you can make to help heal the marriage relationship.
At this point in your experience, some of these suggestions may seem impossible, but be patient and take it one day at a time. Your loving heavenly Father can heal not only your heart, but your marriage, too. Nikki and Jerry can attest to this because they eventually reunited and added two more children to their family. They now use their story to encourage other couples to help them see that fighting for your marriage can be worth the effort.
You, I and rest of us all came into existence because of the evolutionary urge of human to re-create, grow and survive and be secure. Driven by passion love, two people from opposite gender come together and form a bond of commitment called marriage and in due course give birth to kids to carry forward the evolutionary journey. Sounds very simple, isn’t it? The need for commitment arises from the fact that women need care, safety, security during pregnancy and post-birth. The marriage is simply a social contract to live together and look after each other and strive for better health, wealth, and well-being of kids. Marriage is the beginning of the journey of re-creation with life long-commitment to build a system of sustenance. However, marriage is not just a physical union but union of ideas and emotions. This bond of togetherness helps one fight socio-economic, survival and growth, emotional and spiritual challenges of life in a better manner.
Marriage has thousands of advantages and it is one of the strongest links of the evolutionary chain. We all know and accept it as sacrosanct, but at the same time, we see numerous cases of a breach in trust and maneuverability beyond the commitment. In an ideal state, we want our parents to remain committed to each other for life long, but when it comes to self we look for the simplest possible opportunity to look beyond marriage. Why this urge for the extramarital affair?
Extramarital Affair in context of Me, Myself and Who
You know who you are and elements that make you what you are. That is “Me & Myself”. No one is complete, in one sense or other. As we grow we start knowing this reality of missing-elements and try to find those elements in people with whom we come in contact. That is what is “who”. This search for missing element culminates into life-long commitment in the form of marriage. As said, marriage is not just a union of body but ideas and emotions. The unfortunate reality of human life is that there is an element of dynamism in ideas and emotional needs which change with time and accordingly your search re-starts giving birth to an extramarital affair.
Lets us understand what is an extramarital affair?
Simply put, an extramarital affair is a kind of romantic or emotional relationship beyond the commitment of marriage for the fulfillment of your desires, which varies from person to person. It can be just an attraction for sexual pleasure or need for ideological and emotional connectedness. The extramarital affair between two people, although they fail the durability test, is considered a betrayal of trust and cause unnecessary distress in a normal relationship.
Types of Affairs
Based on the trigger factor, an extramarital affair can be of several types. Most common types are:
This is one of the most prevalent types of the extramarital affair as a third person enters in between and triangle forms. Depending on the strength or weakness of any of the tri-point, the relationship could be acute, obtuse or right-angled. Reasons could vary, but the common factor is the involvement of the heart. There is a high chance that your romance could culminate into a sexual relationship; however, this is not the sole cause of romantic extramarital affairs.
This is the type of extramarital affairs are mechanical in nature, driven by a bodily desire for intimate sex with someone you know personally. However, in such cases, there is no formalization in terms of commitment or romance in a relationship.
Once you grow and your married bond matures, the urge of external emotional support system arises. Although it is friendly in nature as you feel a strong bond with your partner but in the long run, it takes a different shape. One factor in emotional extramarital affairs is the lack of sexual intimacy. In terms of impact, this has a deeper impact on your marriage life as sex is a temporary desire but emotional support is very regular desire.
With the arrival of internet added with personal devices, a new form of trigger came into existence. The long-distance relationship with the unknown is a new phenomenon. People term it as a virtual extramarital affair. Although it has no direct impact on your married life if practiced for a longer period of time, the virtual reality starts impacting your real life. The medium of the communication might vary but it is an emotional bond with the unknown that starts impacting your married life.
It is a fact that the urge for dynamism in ideas and emotions pushes you towards the exploration of relationship beyond the marriage. It is highly likely that if you come across an opportunity, you might incline towards that an opportunity. Accepting this fact of dynamism is the first possible action to avoid extramarital affairs from happening.
It is the need for fun, joy, pleasure, and happiness that brings to people together. If your marriage life has too many stress factors that push happiness out from the window, it is the first push towards an extramarital affair. You cannot stop stress, it is a fact, but if you visualize it then you can definitely diffuse it by maintaining a healthy exchange of idea with your partner. Your partner’s urge to escape will dissipate slowly. The higher the score in the happiness index, the lower are the chances of an extramarital affair.
It has been observed that if you are exposed to the extramarital relationship during your upbringing, it is likely that you will develop a level of acceptance of it. The memory induced cognitive justification comes into play. Knowing your memory is of great help, if you know the source of your mental manipulation then you can easily control it. You have to focus on the outcome, not short term pleasure.
You know yourself and your partner; at least you can claim so. If your partner values risk-taking and excitement over stability, then you have to understand his/her escapist urge for exploration. Excitement is a basic component of the relationship, but the level and frequency matters. You have to talk about it with your partner and remain flexible in trying new things to bring an element of excitement in your married life.
One of the biggest reasons behind the extramarital relationship is an emotional vacuum that creates when you show emotional dissonance with your partner. Marriage is all about understanding, if that thing is missing, then chances of an extramarital affair are very high. You have to be open about discussing reasons behind increasing emotional gap and try to fill that gap with required fillers.
It is a very natural first safety mechanism of survival. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work well when it comes to a healthy marriage. Those who avoid conflicting situation are like to express less resulting in the mental blockage. This blockage pushes one towards another point of attraction. So, it is good to build a system to express opinion openly and avoid extramarital affair situation.
We all in the grip of hyper demanding modern life, where we somehow forget about simple things as we take things for granted. If this is the situation, you are creating a perfect case of extramarital affairs. The ball is in your court, if not at the top, then at least give relationship 2nd or 3rd position in the priority list. Spare some time and share your emotions with your partner, this works like wonder.
We all have some personal secrets that we want to keep hidden in the memory vault forever. There is nothing wrong with having those secrets. The challenge arises when you open yourself in good faith and it backfires. You have to be very calculative in measuring how much you want to open yourself.
Disagreements are a natural outcome of agreements. The health of your married life and the likely chance of extramarital affair depending on how you resolve your disagreements in the quickest possible time. One of the time tested mantra is listening, waiting and then responding. In simple words, optimum warmness helps you enjoy your relationship and the moment the heat increases beyond the limit the search for emotional support begins. So, learn the art of anger control and avoid the chances of an extramarital relationship.
We marry to enjoy the beauty of life as it gives you everything that a normal human being wants. It gives you the beginning of a family, a life partner to be a teammate to face challenges together, the sense of purity of relationship, a perfect atmosphere for your kids to grow and most importantly the unconditional love.
But the unfortunate reality of modern life is that almost half of the marriage fails due to one factor or the other. One of the biggest factors is extramarital relationships, might be temporary or virtual, but it spoils the purity of married life. It is very natural to get tempted by the desire of dynamism and freshness in a relationship to find emotional or physical gratifications. We are in control of your destiny, so you have played smart with the total understanding of the dynamism of the relationship and make adjustments accordingly.
Extramarital affairs are relationships outside of marriage where an illicit romantic or sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment occurs. … Sometimes these are explicit or assumed pre-conditions of a committed intimate relationship. Here are some facts about this type of affair:
1. Every affair starts with excitement then leads to regret
2. Women cheat more emotionally by connecting with another man and for some it leads to physical cheating. Men cheat more physically and hence can cheat with multiple women
3. The heart cannot multitask. At any given point, the heart will focus on one person. That is why you will start to give your spouse/partner less attention when you are cheating
4. Affairs will open up doors to your relationship/marriage that will be difficult to close
5. Affairs are an illusion that amount to nothing once you get caught
6. The person who is cheating with you will also cheat on you
7. If you are in a relationship/marriage, the person you are cheating with will soon leave for their real love after destroying your real love
8. Challenges in your relationship/marriage are not solved by looking for a distraction outside
9. Smart phones have aided unfaithfulness for many in our generation. Be smart with your smart phone
10. An affair is exciting because it is fresh. You had the same excitement when the love with your spouse/partner was fresh, that was the original, the affair is the counterfeit
11. Don’t let someone who doesn’t know the journey you and your spouse/partner has walked come to destroy what you have built for years
12. Most affairs start of as friendships that had no boundaries
13. The more you consume porn, the more likely you are to cheat as you seek to let loose the monster of lust you feed
14. Don’t blame your spouse/partner for cheating. It is a personal choice
15. At the work place, remain professional with your colleagues. It is easy to build an affair there because you interact with them more than with your spouse
16. Alot of cheating is happening in churches and religious settings but difficult to detect or even to address because many are hiding behind holy titles and protecting Godly reputations
17. Many parents think they are hiding their affairs or the effects of their affairs from their children but grown children can pick these things and you are hurting them
18. Affairs are expensive. They will cost you your time, money, relationship with God and character
19. Affairs will open up the door for other corrupt ways of your soul like lying, stealing, violence, insults, anger, paranoia and defensiveness
20. If you are in a relationship/marriage, some people will seduce you into an affair with them, not because they want to spend a lifetime with you; but to use you, to challenge themselves if they can get you, to act on their jealousy of the love you have or because they are a lost storm wrecking their own lives and that of others
21. If you were to put in to your relationship/marriage the same effort you put in the affair; calling, sweet words, gifts, dates; your relationship/marriage will be strong
22. The reason why your relationship or marriage is not growing and being blessed is because of your affair
23. The reason why you have been single for long is because you are entertaining, flirting and sexing taken people
24. Most affairs drag on because the two cheating despite knowing it is wrong, they keep lying to themselves “Let us meet and do it one last time”
25. Alot of men once they are caught cheating, claim that they are polygamous to cover up and legitimize their infidelity yet they married the wife promising her exclusivity and monogamy
26. A relationship/marriage can survive and thrive after infidelity only if the cheater changes, puts in the work and the two seek counselling, forgiveness and patiently go through the healing process
Enhancing physical pleasure clearly increases sexual enjoyment. But how does using sex toys impact the satisfaction level that both partners excerpts from their relationship? Some top of the mark research into the probable and demographics of sex toy used to exert light on this question — and the results indicate that pleasure in bed and pleasure in a relationship may act sideways slightly for partners depending on their gender.
The main reason or the essential cause of using sex toys may or may not engage in extramarital affairs. The latter has some sophisticated causes as such the satisfaction level and emotional level of an individual.
Causes of Extramarital Affairs-:
Married for the wrong reasons
Inability to deal with changes
Disagreements on core values
Differing life priorities
No common interests
Need for excitement
During the last three decades, professionals have acknowledged that some people have uncontrolled sexual behavior. People with sexual drive are similar to compulsive gamblers, compulsive overeaters, or alcoholics in that they are not able to control their impulses, which lead to exempted results. Due to this, they are often referred to as sexual addicts. Depending on one’s professional grit. The word addiction or compulsions have been made to define the disorder. In the field of addiction science, one of the basic sign of addiction is compulsive use. Some professionals may make exceptions between addiction and compulsion; others may use them as vice-versa. There is, however, a continuous increase in the common understanding of the problem and its occurrence. Great progress is also being made in treatment. Advances in neurochemistry may soon redefine our terminology as we understand more clearly the biology of the disorder.
Examination of the prevalence of vibrator use among heterosexual men in the U.S. Exceptionally, heterosexual men who had used sex toys with their partner reported lower levels of a sexual drive than men who had never used a sex toy with their partners. The researchers couldn’t say for sure why satisfaction was lower in this interchangeable scenario. But given that most heterosexual men who had used vibrators with a partner reported doing so to increase their partner’s pleasure (as opposed to their own) it’s possible that these men’s sexual satisfaction was unchanged by the introduction of a vibrator and may have already been lower, to begin with.
That said, it may also be the case that some heterosexual men who have used vibrators with their partners (either because their partner suggested they do so or because they naturally thought it could improve their partner’s enjoyment of sex) felt that having to usage a vibrator excerpts poorly on their own sexual ability. If this were the case it would make the belief that their sexual satisfaction remained low. (No one likes to feel they’re not good in bed). The belief that “using a sex toy means your partner isn’t a good enough lover is one of the most common misconceptions people have about sex toys,” says licensed marriage and family therapist, and resident relationship and sex expert at AdamandEve.com, Dr. Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D. “One partner may also fear that another partner’s use of a sex toy will replace them or that they’ll become overly reliant on them for arousal and/or orgasm.”
Whether sex toys act as exaggerating a relationship or leading to conflict likely depends on the viability of openness and communication between partners. As a 2013 report by the Guttmacher Institute demonstrates, the more adhered individuals in relationships rate their interactions with their partners, the higher they tend to rate their desire for one another as well as the satisfaction they derive from their relationship — inside and outside of the bedroom.
In the context of sex toys, positive communication means (ideally) that partners who feel threatened can open up about their concerns, feel heard and validated, and receive reassurance from their partners that a desire to use a sex toy is in no way a comment on their virility, desirability, or sexual ability. (In the same scenario, the partner who desires to use a sex toy should again, ideally be made to communicate that desire without being judged, shamed, or otherwise excerpted away from. Not surprisingly, Reece and his colleague Debra Herbenick, Ph.D., surmise in a 2010 paper on the use of vibrators within relationships, “it may be that being able to communicate openly and feel that one’s sexual interests and pleasures are accepted by one’s partner enhances satisfaction.”)
Van Kirk believes that incorporating toys can boost the relationship and sexual satisfaction of anyone open to and respectful of their own and their partners’ inclinations and boundaries. “If there is a sense of openness and non-judgment that can be cultivated most people can learn to incorporate new aspects into their repertoire versus being resistant. About the stoppage can be helpful in disrupting myths your partner has had about sex toy use. And some education always helps. For instance, the fact that most women do not orgasm through penile/vaginal alone should be enough to invest in a sex toy.”
Overall, 90 % (18 of 20) women described using sex toys either during masturbation or partnered sex (or both), while 10 % (2 women, both heterosexual identified) said that they had never used sex toys. This number is higher than earlier studies assessing women’s vibrator use. Because all women reported that they had masturbated at least once, and all had much to say about sex toys, all twenty women were included in this study. Although we did not ask about the frequency of sex toy use, all participants offered this information on their own. From these responses, six main themes were generated. As noted in the descriptions below, some participants’ responses overlapped between themes in that one woman’s interview often addressed more than one theme. The six themes included:
(1) Emphasis on non-penetrative use of phallic sex toys (8 out of 20);
(2) Embarrassment about disclosing sex toy usage to partner(s) (6 out of 20);
(3) Personifying vibrators and dildos (5 out of 20);
(4) Coercion and lack of power (4 out of 20);
(5) Embracing sex toys as campy, fun, and subversive (4 out of 20); and
(6) Resistance to sex toys as impersonal or artificial (5 out of 20).
Heterosexual women far more often described experiences that fit into the first four themes, while queer women (lesbian and bisexual women) far more often described experiences that fit into the latter two themes.
Emphasis on Non-Penetrative Use of Phallic Sex Toys
Whether as a mode of resistance to traditional scripts about how women should derive sexual pleasure or as an indicator of the imperfect design of sex toys, women overwhelmingly described non-penetrative uses for (mostly phallic) sex toys.
Embarrassment about Disclosing Sex Toy Usage to Partner(s)
Although women often derived pleasure from sex toys, they generally felt uncomfortable expressing these sentiments to others. As a second theme, heterosexual women felt particularly embarrassed about their sex toy usage, often constructing sex toys as a threat to their boyfriends’ or husbands’ sense of sexual prowess.
At this point, you really need to know different kinds of sex toys, see them in this Cosmopolitan article.
Personifying Sex Toys
As a common theme, several women admitted that they anthropomorphized and personified their sex toys by naming them, referring to them as a ‘‘substitute’’ for a real person, or imagining a relationship with their (male) sex toys.
Coercion and Lack of Power in Using Sex Toys
Though only a few women described negative experiences with sex toys, these negative experiences often followed a similar coercive pattern. The worst cases generally happened when women said that their male partners either forced them to use sex toys to accommodate pornographic fantasies, or that sex toys symbolized their relative lack of power during sex.
Embracing Sex Toys as Campy, Fun, and Subversive
While heterosexual women more often relayed a tone of seriousness about power imbalances with sex toys, lesbian and bisexual women far more often described sex toys as a fun or campy, often with a subversive and playful twist.
Resistance to Sex Toys as Impersonal or Artificial As a final theme
Several women saw no positive or therapeutic aspects of sex toys and described them instead as too impersonal or artificial. Often as a conscious rebellion against technological and corporate means to women’s sexual pleasure, these women typically preferred to masturbate with their fingers and have partnered sex without accessories.
We can say that the usage of sex toys is totally different from the indulgent of an individual in extramarital affairs as the usage of sex toys depends on different factors such as demographics, culture, education, and social norms.
Whereas an extramarital affair is a totally different thing as the individual who is involved in in the affair has some different set of mind or the contemporary set of thinking, some do it for fun, some have a different set of thinking to secrete other hormones which evolve the personality of the people.
So, at last, we can deduce that sex toys cannot be an alternative for the prevention of extramarital affairs.
Just like any human being, I am also conditioned by evolution to seek love, pleasure, happiness to re-create, grow and survive. In search of these need fulfillment, I came in touch with my beloved while in college and nurtured the relationship for four long years and then on one fine day he proposed. We started the journey and everything was like a perfect marriage. In a short period of just 5 years, two beautiful kids arrived in life to add another dimension of love. I got hooked in day-to-day upbringing challenges and he was hitting every milestone of life to climb higher in the corporate hierarchy. The frequency of sex declined with time as he was mostly outstation finalizing software sales deals in different parts of the world.
Say it mid 30s urge of extreme fulfillment or simply play of hormones, but the sense of vacuum was building slowly. The low frequency of sex was definitely not because of his non-availability but lack of passion. I was falling in insecurity trap of transgression with the fear in mind that my marriage could come under a cloud. He was mature enough to understand the need and limits, knowing fully that we cannot reverse the age clock to bring those passionate moments back. By nature, he was very open about communicative about the relationship and other issues. One day he shared an idea of sex toys with proper reasons and. The curiosity entered into the mental space and I bought some sex toys to give it a try.
I do understand that the frequency of sex in marriage rises and falls as marriage life progresses. That was not a matter of big concerns for me as the need for sexual pleasure is normally situation driven. It was a significant drop in the quality of sex that bothered me. The introduction to sex toys gave me the hope and in just one month of use, I realized the benefits of sex toys. Here, I am sharing my sex toy experience. Before going into the benefits let’s understand about sex toys.
Type of Sex Toys
My search for passionate pleasure and intimacy during sex ended when I experimented with some popular sex toys. The use of a sex toy is not about just heightened pleasure experience but a healthy signal for your partner to be ready for extreme excitement. The quality sex is judged by the engagement in foreplay, as it takes the little time for the adrenaline to kick the heights. Sex toy helps you elongate the foreplay. The most amazing part of the sex toy is that it fills the absence of your partner. Depending on your need such have cock rings, G-Spot, and prostate stimulation and to clitoral pleasure, there are several types of toys available in the market.
This sex toy is my all-time favorite as it helped me break the sexual boundary. Dildos gave me the real pleasure of penetration. I do keep a close eye on shape, length, and width of dildos while shopping, as little variation, could make pleasure painful. I like the slightly curved one more stimulating as it touches my clit and G-spot more elegantly. However, you have been little cautious about the quality of the product.
This is the most popular product globally for its simplicity and universality in use. I purchased one and used in solo, and I must say it was such a great experience. I frequently use to stimulate myself so that I could enjoy the intimate company of my partner in totality. It helps me in giving orgasmic climax at the perfect moment in the arms of my partner. So, theoretically, it helps me invigorate the highly intimate moment with my partner in a most mechanical manner. Well, the frequency and purpose of the users are a bit tricky. I have been using it at the regular frequency for the last 2 years and there is no issue of clit overstimulation or in responding to the ultimate real pennies.
3. Butt Plugs
Occasionally, I get driven by the temptation of adventure in sex life. There is nothing wrong exploring anal play using butt plugs. Although there no neurotic response mechanism in the anus, but this toy helps me add that much need thrill element in moments of extreme pleasure. However, I take all possible hygiene precaution and safety measures like lube before inserting the butt plug.
I am a big fan of clitoral massagers as it helps me when in low-mood and nothing works. Vibrators are good but the area of stimulation is very restricted. Since my man is always in a hurry and too focused on most sensitive parts, he usually ignores clitoral play. This toy helps me get that maximum feeling even afterward.
5. Anal Beads
Designed a little different from butt plugs, this toy gives me the pop feeling as the bead size increase gradually. Just like any other toy, it is a great foreplay instrument that helps me to hit the climax at the right moment.
6. Riding Crop
The heightened thrill at climax makes me seek more not at the G-spot but some external sensation. Riding crop, gifted by a common friend on the anniversary, really changed the mood as it gives a sense of control in the hand of your partner resulting in more intense gameplay. The impact play involving spanking, flogging helped me achieve that extra high.
Benefits of Sex Toys
Sex is all about triggers that fuel your desire to fulfill the bodily need of an orgasmic climax. In my case, it is not different as search for triggers and clues are never-ending. Sex toys are of great need to fulfill that need of trigger. Some of the top benefits of sex toys are:
Maximize sexual pleasure
One of the major motives behind my purchase and use sex toys is to maximize the pleasure it gives. Whether my partner is there with me or not it gives me the liberty to satiate my urge. I must say, the use of sex toys helped me control my emotional urge to seek a partner. Even when I am with my partner, the excitement it generates helps me every moment with my partner.
I use sex toys to enhance my sexual performance with my partner. When it comes to exploration in the intimate moments of a bedroom, these toys give me additional weapon in my armory to impress my partner. Since these toys somehow train you in the virtual realm, when it comes to real sex I give my best. Most of the toys are designed with a purpose to stimulate your sexual passion; it helps me when I feel low to recharge myself for with more stamina and libido.
As the frequency of sex goes down with increasing age, the quality of sex matters most to strengthen the relationship. In my case, the sex toys not just helped me fill the absence of my partner but kept me in a good mood so that we could enjoy quality sex. Regularity brings boredom. These toys helped me to experiment and break that sexual barrier of boredom. If counted, it helped me improve the atmosphere of my home.
If we go by the human brain chemical structure, sex helps one not just controlling stress but in maintaining the hormonal balance required for good health. Sex toys helped me to mitigate the stress-induced from the sexual loneliness and sense of neglect. Although, it is not a prescribed treatment of stress control it helps a lot in terms of physical gratification and confidence building.
These toys are designed by experts keeping the complexity of human anatomy in mind with a purpose to help you fulfill one of the most basic needs of human existence. I maintain proper hygiene and it helps me to cut chances of any sexually transmitted disease.
A sexless marriage is the outcome of modern life’s hyper senseless prioritizations. Once you progress in your married life it is very natural that the frequency of sex will fall. It is physical as well as situation reaction. But, if your lifestyle does not permit you frequent sex mingling with partners, it is better to focus on the quality sexual experience. You can get that using a sex toy of a different nature.
Marriage life is not just about sexual pleasure; it is more about an emotional bond. I always focus on enjoying the most memorable moment and create such an environment. I always try to keep issues in desires basket and discuss them in right time and context, so that the bedroom remains out of binding for external stress factors. I always try to control my anger and share my point of view only when the person is in a good listening mood. I have noticed that my partner is not always in the mood to have sex, I asked him openly about the issue. We went to the doctor for some tests, he is back to life with a new thrill. I enjoy the naturality most, and these sex toys help me achieve those natural instincts which normally subside due to daily tantrums of life.
The institution of marriage came into existence driven by the human urge to re-create, grow and survive and be secure. They begin the journey on a vehicle of love and give birth to offspring and mobilize resources to give the best possible upbringing. The commitment that comes from marriage gives women the much-needed sense of care, safety, security during pregnancy and post-birth. However, marriage is not just a physical union but union of ideas and emotions. All is well and everything looks perfect.
Then something happens someday and your bond of trust breaks, resulting in deep distress for both the partners. If not taken care properly, this might lead to divorce and break of your family.
We see several instances of a breach of trust and maneuverability beyond the married life. Why this urge for the extramarital affair? Simple analysis suggests that extramarital affairs have no direct correlation with socio-economic status and location. In most cases, it comes as shock and surprise as they remain under impression that everything was fine. Is it the inherent dynamism of love and emotion or something else?
So why do we engage in extramarital affairs? The journey you began on love vehicle actually is not an emotion but an outcome of the brain system. The love system in our brain is triangular in nature, one point triggers romantic love, the second sex drive and third attachment with a partner. So structurally, it is possible to remain attached with a partner through marriage and feel intense love for someone and sex drive with anyone else. So psychologically, it is possible to start the misadventure of affair but life is not just about going with the flow but control the flow.
Another school of thought suggests that when affair begins it is not normally the love with the person but love with the fantasy they create in their mind about the ideal partner.
Technically speaking, when you start an affair it is just for the fulfillment of the desire of external validation. We all love this validation in terms of suitability, desirability. So you are not in love with that person but the ulterior self you create of yourself. Any clue in anyone attracts you towards that person. It is not the person but the feeling that a person generates hooks you to that person. When it boils down to feeling, we all know that three chemicals namely dopamine, adrenaline; and serotonin controls your emotions which also include love.
Why Extramarital Affair So Widespread
Research may say that it is the structure of brain and chemicals that controls your need for love, passion, and emotions. But, the real-life situations create the imbalance that leads to an extramarital affair. Let us explore the possible reasons:
One of the prime reasons noticed among affair cases is the late-age realization that they missed something exciting at an early age due to early marriage. This pushes or exposes them to explore the dynamism of emotional and validation needs.
Wrong Choice of Marriage
Although not a western phenomenon, but in many eastern cultures girls tend to go by parental wishes and marry an unknown person. Although most of the marriages go well, in some cases, the realization of unsuitability and resulting friction creates a deviation from the normal path. Added with an opportunity available in terms of validation, the extramarital relation materializes easily. Usually, it starts with simple friendship and understanding but in a short span of time, it takes the shape of physical relationship.
Cope with Changes
Consistent change is the fact of life. We manage to deal with regular ones of lower intensity but big challenges force us to seek external support. In a time of crisis, the source of socio-economic and emotional support makes a deep impression on self. It is very tempting to go with the flow and build some kind of relational with the source.
We all welcome arrival of a newborn, but this arrival brings changes in your lifestyle, priorities and most importantly the emotional bond. You have to cut private and intimate moments, and you compromise with your sexual needs. These changes make an impact on your personal relationship, opening the way to escape. This need for escape is one of the most potent reasons for extramarital affairs.
We all know the dynamism attached with the emotion, maybe due to mental chemistry. But what are the reasons that trigger this imbalance in chemical reactions? Is it lack of communication, lack of sharing of view and opinion? Whatever are the triggers, but it forces you to seek refuge somewhere else whether for the emotional need of validation or just to self gratify.
We find it extremely difficult to accept the fact of situation-driven compromises with the core values. In real life, you make decisions which might not be liked by all and accordingly your partner starts visualizing changes in your erstwhile best. S/he might not like this change, if not communicated smartly the person is likely to shift towards those who validate his new changes. Here the seed of extramarital affair reached the ground to find nutrients.
In the modern lifestyle, where we manage multiple personalities for roles we play at different setups, our priorities get mixed up giving birth to conflicting reactions. The married life starts with idealism and situational sacrifices, but as the relationship matures we start giving priorities to own aspiration values. Your priorities might not find coherence with your partner’s priorities, this divergence opens the path of an affair outside the relationship.
Lack of Excitement
Monotony is another facet of the real world. The institution of marriage came into existence for the need for fun, pleasure, and love. But in the long run, we get so accustomed to triggers that our emotional response system stops reacting at all. The search of new trigger leads one to an extramarital affair.
You can add as many reasons as you want, whether finance, career or anything else but core reason in dissatisfaction and resulting urge to seek validation of changes you adopted from someone else.
Steps to Recovering from an Extramarital Affair
It is globally accepted that affair makes a deep impact not just on both the partners but kids and family members. The affair, with its inherent shock value, emotionally devastates the victim and lower the self-esteem resulting in the life-long legacy of hurt, distrust, and anger. On the other hand, the offender grapples with shame and retributions from different sources.
Whatever we think, but affairs are a reality of life. Knowingly or unknowingly we all get driven by the urge, some manage to control and some fall in the line. Lets us learn how to face the heat of affair and change that in the warmness of post-affair married life.
Find the Cause
If we leave the extreme cases of sexual addiction, affairs are mostly a relational issue. The first official remedy is the knowledge of reasons so that you could work on those reasons and let the situation normalizes in quickest possible time.
You may not like it, but the roots of affairs could be found in historical connections. The acceptance of this behaviour comes from conditional learning and you are tempted to unknowingly repeat it. So, it is good to know your past but learn the art of overcoming that urge to do practically.
Mistakes do happen, but we take responsibility for our mistakes and move forward. In the case of an affair, the chances of recovery are very strong if the offender comes forward and takes responsibility. It should be genuine; otherwise, the after-effect would be devastating beyond recovery.
Just like the offender, the victim should also break the ego barrier and come forward in accepting the responsibility for creating nurturing ground for the affair to materialize. As said, there are reasons to trigger chemical reactions; you could be a trigger factor. You must understand the intricacy of response mechanism, as make room for the other to come out of the emotional trap.
Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. The good relationship creates a space for venting reactions. Let each other express and react, this will open room for mature dialogue.
The ultimate remedy is the sense of empathy for the other. Visualizing the big picture of the painful experience of both is the key to find a solution. Be open and discuss the endurance and likely scenarios.
Your feeling of betrayal and induced pain is genuine and expects the best possible treatment. But, if you want to find ways to save marriage then you have to keep ego aside and forget the power struggle.
Life is Great
Whatever be the challenges, the best possible to face it is with the remembrance of those beautiful moments. Your effort to save the relationship will gain strength from the beautiful memories you have with your partner.
The best way to enjoy life is to accept the realities of life. Affair is also a reality, although of unfortunate nature. You know the fundamentals of the affair; it is not you but your partner’s need for notice and value that triggered this transgression. However, you have to accept that you are also part of the triggers like neglect, isolation, prioritization, validation or anything else.
Affair in mind, take a step back, think about impact and act accordingly. Life is beautiful, visualize it with your partner.
There was a beautiful family living in a metropolitan city. Children aged 9 and 12 lived with their parents. Years of marriage suddenly changed a happy and joyful family into daily criticisms and self-centeredness from appreciation and respect. Slowly the aloofness began. The father started getting home late in the evenings for one family get-together. Children’s waiting at the dinner table to hold hands to be grateful for the food they consume and eagerly waiting for some educative conversations before ending the day.
Everything started to fall apart. It was happening so suddenly, changing the mood of the home. A home brimming with joy was slowly fading and turning into a house.
An affair i.e. an extra-marital affair never happens in an unplanned manner. The decision to be in a new relationship outside sacred marriage or before a legal divorce makes a relationship self- centred.
The beginning comes with excitement
It looks like an amazing feeling as if the person is on cloud nine. This is associated commonly with the feeling of conquering the world and being in power. The people in the relationship start meeting in secret like a pigeon thinks the cat won’t attack if the bird has closed his eye. The affair usually starts at different professional places where spending full day with colleagues, sharing every nitty gritty with close circle, can trigger its beginning. It might occur in religious groups as well as educational institutions. In most of the cases, the couples are unhappy in their marriage as they become uninvolved with their partners.
Different people react differently. While some look for physical attractiveness and intelligence, some people want a good alternative of their spouse, while some explore the relationship’s value by moving one foot outside and testing the waters.
Following are some of the factors where the married men or woman try to pull themselves out their comfort zone:-
1.Workaholic– It is making oneself workaholic and overloaded. With no family time, no entertainment, lacking intimacy, zero vacations. In short, making one unavailable to the family.
2.Distance– Every marriage has its peaks and valleys and it is very common for couples to go through emotional imbalances and seems to distance itself to re-fresh. But by creating distances between each other in the midst of an affair, the spouse starts to act differently or strangely in a manner which he/she never does.
3.Appearances– For most of the people appearance and physical attractiveness matters. This may influences a relationship. For men it is seen in their health and physique whereas in women it is generally their face that attracts people. If your spouse has changed his style of clothing or the design of beard or may have started to use cologne totally different from his taste. He/she starts to have an interest in a sport completely opposite to his favourite. The eagerness at which he tries to learn the newly found hobby all at once.
4.Intimate betrayal– This happens when the spouse starts making the other partner pamper with expensive gifts, out of blue, to hide his secret from his family.
All the above behaviour shows how it is easy to generate time for other person with whom he/she is in extra-marital relationship with. The person stuck into an affair stops taking care of his spouse feelings and may start to compare her with the newly found love. Physical attraction may or may not be the string for this kind of relationship. It can also be the long, deep and intimate conversations and the parallelism with the two.
In Extra- marital, the relationship might be new for both the persons involved new and refreshing for one and a game for other. The latter might turn out to be a Casanova or he may cheat on you.
Psychological Analysis of an affair
Psychologically, these affairs can start as the reason to come out of an abused marriage or a rejection. It can also be different for someone who has not explored the world in his own unique way. This person might have been subjugated under societal customs of arranged marriage, and fixed behaviours. While this person can start to experience joy and happiness outside her marriage in a newly found love and friendship, not every affair comes out with a purpose. It is all unplanned as people look something for thrill and excitement even if betraying their family and offspring’s.
Adding to the list of factors affecting the appearance and behaviour of person, we can now look at some of the common affairs going around in the world:-
It’s been found that women cheat more emotionally than men. Affairs have been found sinful as adultery.
They generally start as a friendship. The emotional affair calls in for more flirtations.
There is exchange of messages both normal and intimate but are never physical. People are connected on calls for longer time and get excited to see the message ring beeps.
People stay deeply connected to each other and share everything going in their lives.
People take is as a hush affair and starts avoiding family members. They will never respond to people touching their mobiles.
In this type of affair, people are daydreaming about their friend more and more.
You are ready to share your thoughts and problems with your friend instead of your partner.
You think your friend understand you better than your spouse.
Though their relationship may be working with their families and spouses simultaneously comfortably, the person is only involved for sexual favours here.
Lust makes people crazy and is hard to resist.
Love stands very less chance when you put love and lust together.
They love dressing up for the special partner and thus are attracted to each other physically and sexually.
Clothing can be misleading as it makes a person think about you all the time.
3.Revenge affair or retaliatory infidelity
This starts with teasing and complaining often.
This affair generally involves hurting other spouse by retribution for the illicit relationship they have found their partner to be in. It is same like, if my spouse hurts me and I hurt the spouse back.
It’s simply the payback time for satisfying ones ego and taking revenge on the spouse for causing betrayal.
4.The affair Soul mate
This is the only affair that leads to divorces or healthy living.
This affair is almost like a marriage which needs physical intimacy, emotional dependency, and spiritual connection.
Here the couple feels more connected to each other feeling their pain and sadness deeply.
Even if they are separated and live with their spouses, they will still wish happiness for each other.
This affair can also be short lived by staying on good terms with each other and remaining friends with each other instead of going to a certified level of marriage.
The Signs of being unfaithful and its after-effects
If one is a good observer, it will not be difficult to check for the signs of your spouse infidelity. It is difficult for most people to hide the guilt of betraying the other partner. Instead of not getting caught, they try to create a distance between themselves. The person here constantly and silently lives his/her life in guilt. It is all because it is not easy to do multi tasking in relationships. Marriage doesn’t involve half- heartedness. The focus is always on one person. And when somebody is cheating it gets difficult to manage two relationships. Extra marital affair involves lots of manipulations, lying and dishonesty.
Also, the shame of getting caught, the devastation it creates, destroying families and hurting grown-up children, for a temporary feeling of love. And at this time, the regret is not enough.
There are those who also believe emotional affairs are not harmful. But it is viewed as a cheating without having any kind of sexual relationship.
A lust affair seems to be a powerful force than any other attachment. But then, these are never permanent. If one gets bored with the physical personality, he may move on to next. This unrealistic love creates unimaginable instability in life. Without self- control and restraint one cannot save their marriage. The affair will continue to wreak havoc, until one learns to control it. It is purely inhuman and unkind to compromise on your spouse even if you know your partner is a good human being.
Cheating like revenge affairs is one of the biggest gamble. It works best on the forgiveness level as the couple now realises that grass is not always greener on other side. If they have understood their mistake, it is better to preserve relationship.
Better try to put yourself in the person’s place that was compromised for your selfish or lustful act. How would you feel if this were done to you?
We think that adultery is the reason for drift in marriages but what about the marriage problems which people face. At times the situation and consequences can make things worse. An extramarital affair is a relationship outside the marriage that happens between the married person and with another person who is not their spouse. This kind of relationship occurs a due lot of reason. Sex is overrated in the whole world. People do not understand the meaning of sex, they just take it as a pleasure-giving activity which can be done with their partner. We are still lacking the exact information about sex because we feel shy to talk about it. It is like having sex with other than your spouse is happening nowadays more commonly because of dissatisfaction from their partner. This is the most genuine reason for adultery.
Even Sex word is taboo in most of the parts of the world. People feel embarrassed while talking about it. When we are talking about sex in India, it is most unexplored yet it is the most popular word. People don’t want to talk about it in public, they feel ashamed or any kind of inferiority complex they are facing while talking about it. The word sex is that word which brings a smile on anybody’s face but shuts the persons’ mouth straight.
While connecting marriage with sex, we got to know that marriage is not concerned with sex or any kind of physical activity it is about sharing things. It is about friendship, seasonal love and the pure bond which results in sharing hardships, thoughts, actions for future, love, affection and even anger makes the relationship last longer. Everything that happens with us in our life is meant to be shared with our partner if we are living together for our happiness.
According to a worldwide survey, the reason behind adultery is infidelity. Infidelity occurs due to unsatisfied sexual needs as well as because of people who do not impulse their fantasy to their spouse but tries to find it outside of marriage.
What is extramarital affair or adultery?
The physical, emotional and mental relationship which exist outside of marriage with another person who is not your spouse is called an extramarital affair. When you start feeling attracted or attached to any other person physically or emotionally being in a married relationship, then it is the beginning of the extramarital affair. Then spending time with that person can lead you towards having an affair with the person. Affair arises due to the various reason which is lesser-known facts for us. The reasons why adultery takes place is more important for us, maybe while knowing these facts we may reach to a conclusion that “Is sex is the main reason for adultery?”.
As far as psychology is concerned while committing adultery, the pursuit of adultery is to gain confidence and satisfaction to desires. The urge to fulfill fantasy is an explicit cause of infidelity. The lack of commitment and when people base their relationship on feelings, feelings fickle after some time, they flow, they’re changing and they have seasons. To the people who are prone to adultery, make their relationship based on feelings so when they hit the struggle in marital life and experiences any kind of roadblocks they want to fly away or it seems like they’re searching for some kind of boost or boil up their feeling for themselves outside of the relationship.
When the base of any relationship is the feel, it means there is no commitment for that bond. It is about how people make them feel, if the feeling doesn’t seem right, then the person is prone to adultery.
Adultery and desire
Someone desires to drive a Lamborghini car, one of the sexiest car in the world, someone desires to explore Paris. Desires have no limit to cover, it can get stuck to anything that people find attractive. Desire is boundless, it is a strong feeling or wishes for something to happen for which we aspire. Sometimes extreme desire in a relationship can destroy the fidelity of bond. When a married person desire for some kind of activity which can’t be fulfilled by their partner can be disastrous. These desires can exist for any type of sexual activity or physical movement which a person’s spouse cannot provide them due to lack of interest towards the same activity or can be any reason. This can deviate their partner. So the person whose desires are not accomplished can be a reason of adultery.
Adultery and lack of emotional support
Emotional support is the key to handle any relationship, whether it is about husband and wife or father-daughter relationship. We, humans, love any help as well as a supportive person in our life along with this we prefer this type of person who accepts us as we are. Your spouse will not willingly do this, but in case the kind of support you are supposed to have is not getting it from your spouse. You may eventually fall for any person who will support you. This can be a reason of adultery.
Adultery and experimenting
Usually in normal marriages after living with a spouse for some duration, people get used to that person and get bored easily. Then people feel the urge of trying new things to fetch pleasure. If they feel that their partner isn’t cooperating with them to fulfill glee, from there onwards person, gets deviated. Experimenting with new kinds of stuff is cool in recent time, trying a new form of sexual activity is common and is one example of experimenting. When one spouse did not get gratification from sexual glances of others, it may lead to argument or fight. It will make the situation worse.
When the person is building up their fantasy mind so they start to think about somebody else and what it thinks about seems to be a solution of pain or discomfort they’re feeling in their married relationship. The new potential relationship seems to a buzz for experimenting new stuff with a new partner. Speaking of which, you should try these experimental sex tips from Cosmopolitan.
Adultery to fulfill the lust
Sometimes lust is a look which makes you think the person as an object. When you don’t look at a person as a personality and soul, then lust finds a way to travel inside you. Instead, you will find sexual pleasure from the glance. This pleasure of lust will not let you feel guilty and will make easier to do it again. The lust will find a new way to live longer which will let you do adultery and it will surely break the marriage.
The repercussion of adultery can be worst or can be best, this will solely depend upon the situation and its effect on the individuals. If one of the spouses is facing issues which are creating a rift between you both, he/she is not able to fill the dent with their dedication, love, and affection in a relationship. Then, maybe adultery can be a good solution. It is not for all, maybe someday the sense to do things can change a little and it may resolve the problem. If the relationship is going to give one more chance, then the partner should admit the guilty and regretful.
How does the feel once they are into adultery?
Most often, participants felt the blend of positive and negative emotions. On the context of fulfilling sexual desires, participants tend to be satisfied with their results. They become more lively and energized in their life. The unsatisfied people were disappointed due to the activities of their new partner. They were feeling more shameful and guilty because as per their thought things don’t appear so sound and smooth.
If there is no love in your heart you are anyway an adultress for convenience and comfort. Without love in your heart if you are given yourself to any aspect of life to whether a man or woman, you are doing adultery. For every action you perform there are the consequence, most of the people don’t want to face consequences they want to enjoy everything. Anybody who is not willing to accept the consequence joyfully that comes to them is a fool. A fool is somebody who is against himself in so many ways. With your actions, if you are turning yourself against yourself is due to the reason that you are doing things senselessly. You are doing things without your choice simply because you are given in certain aspect to your body or your emotion or something, then it is not okay to bring suffering to yourself. If people will keep their action sensible for themselves then there will not exist any kind of problem.
In most cases, sex is the reason for adultery but in some cases, people want attention towards themselves which they are not able to get from their partner also results in adultery. The emotional subsistence and love are also some of the reason for extramarital affairs. Adultery is not worthwhile.
Never in a million years did I think I would be writing something like this for the entire world on the internet to read. With so many possible stories that I could have shared, I thought I’d share this mainly because of the fact that I feel like there needs to be more awareness around sex and the norms and taboos that we have created around it.
I am not one for leading an adventurous life and taking a lot of risks but I knew that if I wanted to keep my sexual frustration at bay, I would have to take different measures and boy did I take one.
The entire process of starting out with sex toys and then hopping onto hiring a hooker wasn’t something that I thought I would ever do but here we are. With so much going around in my life, the last thing I wanted was to pound on more stress on myself because of my lack of sexual satisfaction which was exactly why I opted for the sex toys.
How did I get started with sex toys?
I still don’t remember how old I was but I definitely remember that I was fascinated when I first got to learn about the sex toys and the kind of sign they had.
It is one of the turning points in my life that I am definitely going to be thinking back upon.
So, coming down to the main point in this, where it all started. Well, basically, I was probably around in the early twenties or something when I stumbled across the subject of sex toys.
I was not just fascinated but this was something completely new for me that I was learning about. With so many available variants and choices, I was confused and didn’t know what was used for what.
This is one of the primary reasons why I think it is necessary to bring forth more awareness surrounding this issue. Sex toys are meant for self-pleasure or even for use on your partner if you have one. This was something I had a rough and faint idea about but I didn’t know much about their utility.
Then came Google and let me tell you, I was shocked and very intrigued at the same time. With so much happening around in my life and getting to know a new perspective, I thought I’d just do the deed and I found myself placing the online order for some of the sex toys that I wanted to try out.
For the sake of my sanity and yours, I wouldn’t necessarily want to disclose the items of my purchase because let’s keep that barrier and not unravel every single detail around in here.
I still remember the day that I received the package containing the items, I was very hyped to see what the actual hype surrounding the same was and just look around to check whether I got everything or not.
How was my journey with sex toys?
Much like any other new thing, I was excited to try them out. I knew that I had to get the sex toys that were targeted more for self-pleasure because I didn’t have anyone at that time.
This was the reason why I was very selective with my purchase and did my research well and good.
Once I got them delivered to my place, I didn’t waste a moment and worked along to try them out. I did use them at night, so you don’t have to worry about my sanity and desperation.
Let me tell you after you have depended on your hands and fingers for so long, using the toys on yourself is like a breath of fresh air. The sensation that I felt was something I can’t describe around in words.
The pulsating vibration and the feeling of ecstasy all mixed into one and all I wanted was to experience it again. I continued using it for quite some time at a stretch and I was exploring new things every single day and I was so happy with the discoveries I was making about what pleasures me and what sets me off.
I am a huge believer in the fact that you need to focus on finding the things that turn you on and turns you off extensively. And the only way you can do that is by ensuring that you do focus on stepping out of your comfort zone and exploring new things along the way.
I wouldn’t lie, I loved every single phase and moment that involved the sex toys but then like anything new, you get bored and used to it. I think that is exactly what happened with me as well.
With using the sex toys for so long and so frequently, I grew over them which were something that I didn’t think I’d expect that readily.
But, then going from orgasms with the sex toys on a daily basis to nothing the very next days and weeks was quite tough for me.
This was what drove me to finally contact a hooker and hire them.
What was I thinking?
I was feeling adventurous, much like the other times in my life. I don’t technically believe it is the only way to get yourself pleased because it is quite dangerous, what I did.
But, yeah, I did end up hiring a hooker because the sex toys weren’t doing it for me anymore. Let us not go into much details of how I got hold of a hooker’s contact details. Let us just say that I have contacts.
I did call them, set up an appointment and the rest is history. It has been a few days since that day and I am still trying to wrap my head around it. Given that I was so scared, I don’t think I still believe that everything happened that day.
Well, I did hire a hooker and we eventually ended up having sex much like how I anticipated and planned for. At some point, I did even end up questioning my sanity much like how you might be doing while reading this.
But, given that I was so desperate and the sex toys weren’t just enough, I had to take things up in my hand (literally).
I did set up my house accordingly before the said person was about to come. I wanted this to be an enjoyable experience for not just for me but also for the other person. This was the reason why I set everything up beforehand.
Call me crazy but I didn’t want the other person to feel “used” or mistreated, even though that was the basic norm as they would have expected. This was one of the primary reasons why I could see the shock on their face when they entered the bedroom.
All a hooker expects is a quickie and done with it. I didn’t want anything like that. Given that I was hiring that person for the full-blown pleasure, I also wanted to go all out.
But, that doesn’t necessarily mean that there were any feelings involved during the “act” because that was far from our thoughts. Yes, I did treat both of us to have an amazing night but that doesn’t necessarily mean that there was any kind of feelings involved.
Would I do it again?
So, this is one of the first questions that I was asked when I confided in my friends about the recent event in my life.
Yes, I might repeat this again but the only thing that I would do differently this time is to ensure that I keep my safety options checked out.
I was not just desperate but very reckless as well while hiring a hooker just about for some fun in the bedroom. The next time though, I want to ensure that I do it the right way.
I don’t want to take any sort of risks and take the time to ensure that the person I am hiring is actually safe enough and won’t end up making me regret my entire life just for a few hours of fun and adrenaline.
This was a good experience, I won’t lie and the person I hired knew what they were doing, that’s for sure. So, yeah, if asked, I would definitely do it again, provided that I am a little bit safer this time around.
Would the sex toys come back again?
Yeah, this is another thing that I would like to clarify. I am thinking of trying out new toys and even switch things up a bit so I am not so bored all the time.
This is one of the things that I find to be a possible way to get over my boredom with sex toys. I am open to suggestions and if you made it to this point, I hope you don’t be reckless and as desperate as I was.