Why extra marital affairs could be right

Your wedding vows talk about a lifetime together, a life of unwavering loyalty, one of getting old together, through good and bad times. But as years pass by, that spurt of love turns into monotony.

This is when you discover the glitches in your ‘happily ever after’. And then enters the one we call an extra marital affair. Most of the times, he is the one who is also married.You both enter in it for fun and presume that you both can handle this relationship without disturbing your married lives. This special one makes you feel the soul connect with great sex, compassion and understanding that seemed to have gone missing from your marriage. Life suddenly becomes perfect again.

Angela Green, a famous author and therapist addressed a gathering recently where she spoke extensively about the term infidelity. She said, “An affair brings together three key elements: a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection to one degree or another; and a sexual alchemy. And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it’s our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.”

The one thing that people entering extra marital affairs underestimate the most is their emotions. And this changes the dynamics of the affair faster than they know. Sexual emotions are the strongest human emotions there can be and they can make you vulnerable to a degree that you can’t fathom at the beginning.

And this is when, the same affair that appeared like your redemption at first turns ugly. On condition of anonymity, Kanika shares, “I fell neck deep in love with this guy I met over a work meeting. When he abruptly ended the affair because I wanted more out of it, I wondered why I philandered. My husband never stopped loving me and I have an ever so adorable toddler, then why?”

Delhi-based life coach John Sage explains, “Men and women are wired differently. In case of a woman’s brain, sex and love are wired together, while in men, love means love and sex means sex. They rarely confuse the two. Sadly, the way woman handles an extra-marital affair is troublesome. For them, the affair starts by fulfilling emotional needs and then they start taking them very seriously. Most affairs end due to mismatch of emotional and sexual needs.”

Surprisingly, when we enter an affair, most often than not, we are not turning away from our partner but from the person that we have become over time. In general, the life of an extra-marital affair is not too long. It can last from a few months to maybe a few years. Dr Rashi Ahuja, counseling psychologist online explains, “Every relationship has a honeymoon period. This period is all about feeling alive, feeling loved and wanted. And after this period ends, it starts to get boring. The same holds true for extra marital affairs.”

And there are times when these affairs make you see ‘good’ in your married partner. “Most married people entering an affair compare their spouses to the person, sometimes leading to a situation where they are reminded of traits that they once adored in their married partners,” adds Dr Rashi.

Not all affairs are about getting over life’s monotony or a craving for being desired. Some affairs are karmic. John elaborates, “There are times when you meet someone outside the marriage and you instantly feel the connect. It is not a sexual attraction at first but you feel an intense pull towards that person. They are basically souls with whom you have unfinished business. You will experience a constant thirst to be with that person and you won’t find peace unless you indulge in that person in some way.”

You like it or not, affairs are here to stay. As we read this, they are happening at your workplace, in your neighborhood and maybe somewhere in your family too. And whenever they end, they will not only end up in hurt or betrayal but in lessons. Lessons of growth and discovery.

5 real extra-marital affair confessions

Unfortunately, no matter how much couples brag about concepts like true love, soul mates and ideal marriage—infidelity exists and things do fall apart sometimes. What seemed like a perfect relationship in the beginning might end up going sour and partners turning disloyal. That’s the bitter truth. Period. Here are some real extra-marital confessions…


Confession #1

“My husband and I never had good compatibility. After a few months of our marriage, he got a job abroad and shifted there, leaving me alone. Soon, we grew further apart, both physically and emotionally. A year passed by, and he still had no intentions of calling me there or coming here to meet me. Frustrated, one day I installed a dating app and ended up meeting a divorced guy who was genuinely interested in me. We are in a relationship now, and I plan to disclose this to my husband once he comes to India.” Roshni Jha, 33


Confession #2

“I was forced to get married by my parents and even after putting sincere efforts, I could not strike a bond with my wife. We are simply two different people who have different views on everything. I hate to confess but I talk to other girls about my problems and future plans. I share with them what I should ideally be sharing with my wife.” Sahil Behl, 31


Confession #3

“I have no regrets for having an extra-marital affair, and in fact, I am about to file for a divorce. My husband is an alcoholic and used to abuse me physically and mentally. After being harassed for years, I fell in love with my colleague. After a few months of dating, I told my husband about this affair and left him.” Garima Tyagi, 27


Confession #4

“I kind of had this nature since my teens—I could not stick to one person for a long time. After two years of being married, I cheated my wife and had an affair with one of my ex-girlfriends. She still does not know about it.” Shashank Lohia, 34


Confession #5

“I had a healthy relationship with my husband for about 10 years of our marriage.We had a beautiful life together but I soon started losing my emotional connection with him. His daily routine was all about going to office, and coming back home for dinner and retire to his bedroom. This boredom led me to wander off for some time. But I soon realised my mistake and started making efforts to make our relationship work.” Nitya Choudhary, 36

5 Major Effects of Extra-Marital Affairs

What Impact Does an Affair Have on the Victim Spouse?

When one partner goes outside of the relationship for emotional or physical needs, the other partner may end the relationship, or forgive and stay in it, but either way, extra-marital affairs have major, negative effects that can be felt for some time.

1. Damage to Self Esteem:

The person who has been cheated on will suffer a blow to his or her self esteem. They may have the usual thoughts of, “Was I not enough?” or “If I hadn’t let myself go this would not have happened.” Just as children tend to blame themselves for their parents’ divorce, many victims of an affair respond to an affair by blaming themselves. The decision to cheat was not yours, and although their have been problems in the relationship, you did not make the decision to have an affair. Chances are it had much more to do with a deficiency in your partner than in you.

2. Loss of Trust in the Cheating Spouse:

The victim of an affair will find it difficult to trust. He or she may doubt their judgment of others. Even if this relationship ends, and another begins, the baggage of infidelity can follow. It is important to deal with your trust issues, even if it means getting professional help to do so. You and your future partner will be grateful in the long run that you dealt with the negative consequences of the affair.

3. A Sense of Emotional Instability:

You may feel your world has turned upside down. The things in your life that gave you a sense of security have been shattered. It is normal to feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. It is important to find that sense of stability inside yourself. Look at your survival skills from the past and realize you can cope with this, too.

4. A Roller Coaster of Emotions:

One minute you may feel like crying, the next screaming. You may blame him today, blame her tomorrow, and blame yourself at the same time. It is common when facing infidelity to feel a myriad of emotions. Realize this is normal. Feel what you are feeling and work through it. Don’t stuff your feelings. Seek outside help if you need someone to talk to about how you are feeling or if you are feeling overwhelmed.

5. Impacts all Areas of Life:

Extra-marital affairs can cause a ripple effect in your life. You may find yourself looking differently at your job, your friends, your life choices. This can be either positive or negative, but most victims of an affair say that it brought on changes in all other areas of their lives. It’s important that you not make changes to major areas of your life while in the midst of the emotional turmoil that accompanies an affair.

There are many reasons for cheating, usually it is done without much thought or consideration of the effects it can have on the other person. However, the effects can be devastating and take a long time to get over and work through. It is important that you address these effects, and find ways to work through them. Build a support network of family and friends, your clergy, professional counselors, or anyone else you can trust to help you overcome these effects and move on to a better future.

Marital Infidelity: Recovery for Both Wounded Spouses

There is nothing simplistic about it — it’s heartrending. It’s a place in which you never thought you’d find yourself, or you never dreamt that couple would find themselves. It’s a pain no couple plans to share: infidelity.

According to research done by John & Marsh in the Journal of Research in Personality, approximately 30 percent to 60 percent of all married individuals in the United States will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. In this day and age, financial stress, parenting issues, disagreements over work-and-home balance, social media temptations, pornography and an array of other issues all have the potential to lead a couple down the road to infidelity.

Jerry was the football player, and Nikki was the beauty he dated throughout college. Shortly after graduation they married, and Jerry began to pursue his dream of attending medical school. They soon added two babies to their family, and life seemed full. It all felt wonderful as Jerry began to complete the last stage of medical school.

But things began to crumble when Jerry learned he hadn’t passed a necessary exam and couldn’t proceed without it. Nikki continued to pray and support him. She even held down the fort while Jerry traveled to a review class hundreds of miles away. The distance between Jerry and Nikki could be felt not just physically, but emotionally, as they both pursued good things — just separately. Nikki started to notice some unusual behavior in Jerry. He had more frequent trips away to “study,” and he engaged in private phone calls at odd hours of the night. Things just weren’t adding up. With complete heartbreak, Nikki’s greatest fears came true when she learned that Jerry had met a young female medical student who was studying to pass the same exam. At first it wasn’t a full-blown affair, but it rapidly became one. Nikki didn’t know what to do other than seek God and the help of godly friends who would walk with her as she fought to save her marriage.

Discovering and defining

Discovering an affair can cause deep and intense emotional pain. If you’ve been there, my heart goes out to you. The sense of betrayal, loss of trust and the sting of deception can be overwhelming. Typically this triggers deep emotions in both the partner being cheated on and in the spouse involved in the affair.

To be certain we are on the same page, infidelity is defined by Merriam-Webster as “the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband [or] wife.” Infidelity can also include an emotional connection without physical intimacy. It is often reported that the betrayal felt with an emotional affair can be equally as intense as that felt with a sexual affair. Either way, trust is broken, and the emotional impact of the affair is devastating.

During the discovery of any extramarital affair, many questions surface about the true colors of the marriage relationship. Typically, the unfaithful spouse is found to have struggles with low self-esteem, alcoholism, drug abuse or even a sexual addiction. Additionally, marital issues that may have been brewing for years are often uncovered. Typically, these will be unspoken matters that have increasingly caused disconnection, silence and a gradual separating of hearts between spouses. But the affair isn’t going to be the answer to any of the marital concerns. An affair is often born out of a fantasy in which an individual seeks to escape the reality of either individual or marital problems. And the person outside the marriage is often seen as the temporary solution to real-life challenges.

Encouragement and recovery

If you, like Jerry and Nikki, have experienced an affair in your marriage, I want to support you and offer some direction on how to save your marriage.

First, I encourage you not to make any quick decisions about ending your marriage. Take your time and do the hard work of understanding what was behind the affair. During this time, you will need to give each other space — possibly a temporary separation. Because of the deep emotions associated with betrayal and grief that often follow the discovery of an affair, the needed space is encouraged. This may look different for every couple, so I encourage you to do this under the guidance of a counselor, trusted friend or pastor. Nikki depended largely on a group of godly girlfriends who surrounded her as she considered what her next steps might be.

As I proceed in this discussion, I really want to address both parties involved in an extramarital affair: the offended spouse (the one who has been cheated on) and the unfaithful spouse.

Recovery for the offended

If you recently discovered your spouse has been unfaithful, I want to offer some guidance.

You may be overwhelmed by the level of emotion you are experiencing. These emotions can range from utter devastation to intense sadness and everything in between. If you find yourself in a season like Nikki did, with small children to care for and a house to keep up, know that Nikki admitted, “Some days it was difficult to just get out of bed.” The challenge will be in trying to manage your emotions.

To function during this heart-wrenching stage of your family life, taking great care of yourself is essential. You’ll need to attend to your basic needs for food, sleep, exercise and healthy stress management. Although it may feel unrealistic at first, the more you can do to meet these basic needs amid the emotional turmoil, the healthier you will be.

As you walk this difficult path, you will probably have many questions about the details of the affair, your own value, your spouse’s true character and what you did to contribute to the situation. Give yourself permission to ask your spouse questions about the affair or your marriage relationship, requesting complete honesty and transparency when he or she answers. As you question your own value or worth — an anxiety that often results after being cheated on — I encourage you to turn to the Lord. Ask Him to speak to your wounded heart about what He sees when He looks at you and what the truth is about who you are. Remember that God is the only source of truth that is fully reliable and always available.

During this time you’ll need to seek the support of family and friends. The Enemy would love to feed you the lie that no one else has been down this road, and he’ll try to deceive you into remaining isolated and alone. Don’t give in to the Enemy’s lies! Seek the support of godly friends who are willing to stand with you to help fight for your marriage. We encourage you to consult only with same-sex friends so you protect yourself from temptation.

Focus on your heart. Although it may take time, this focus will include forgiving your spouse. First and foremost, this does not mean forgetting what has happened to you or what your spouse may have chosen to do. Simply put, forgiveness is something you choose because it is beneficial to your own heart.

Begin to understand what you did to contribute to the state of your marriage. Although you are not responsible for your spouse’s actions or choices, it can be helpful to discover what changes you can make to help heal the marriage relationship.

At this point in your experience, some of these suggestions may seem impossible, but be patient and take it one day at a time. Your loving heavenly Father can heal not only your heart, but your marriage, too. Nikki and Jerry can attest to this because they eventually reunited and added two more children to their family. They now use their story to encourage other couples to help them see that fighting for your marriage can be worth the effort.

26 facts about Extra marital affairs

Extramarital affairs are relationships outside of marriage where an illicit romantic or sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment occurs. … Sometimes these are explicit or assumed pre-conditions of a committed intimate relationship. Here are some facts about this type of affair:

1. Every affair starts with excitement then leads to regret

2. Women cheat more emotionally by connecting with another man and for some it leads to physical cheating. Men cheat more physically and hence can cheat with multiple women

3. The heart cannot multitask. At any given point, the heart will focus on one person. That is why you will start to give your spouse/partner less attention when you are cheating

4. Affairs will open up doors to your relationship/marriage that will be difficult to close

5. Affairs are an illusion that amount to nothing once you get caught

6. The person who is cheating with you will also cheat on you

7. If you are in a relationship/marriage, the person you are cheating with will soon leave for their real love after destroying your real love

8. Challenges in your relationship/marriage are not solved by looking for a distraction outside

9. Smart phones have aided unfaithfulness for many in our generation. Be smart with your smart phone

10. An affair is exciting because it is fresh. You had the same excitement when the love with your spouse/partner was fresh, that was the original, the affair is the counterfeit

11. Don’t let someone who doesn’t know the journey you and your spouse/partner has walked come to destroy what you have built for years

12. Most affairs start of as friendships that had no boundaries

13. The more you consume porn, the more likely you are to cheat as you seek to let loose the monster of lust you feed

14. Don’t blame your spouse/partner for cheating. It is a personal choice

15. At the work place, remain professional with your colleagues. It is easy to build an affair there because you interact with them more than with your spouse

16. Alot of cheating is happening in churches and religious settings but difficult to detect or even to address because many are hiding behind holy titles and protecting Godly reputations

17. Many parents think they are hiding their affairs or the effects of their affairs from their children but grown children can pick these things and you are hurting them

18. Affairs are expensive. They will cost you your time, money, relationship with God and character

19. Affairs will open up the door for other corrupt ways of your soul like lying, stealing, violence, insults, anger, paranoia and defensiveness

20. If you are in a relationship/marriage, some people will seduce you into an affair with them, not because they want to spend a lifetime with you; but to use you, to challenge themselves if they can get you, to act on their jealousy of the love you have or because they are a lost storm wrecking their own lives and that of others

21. If you were to put in to your relationship/marriage the same effort you put in the affair; calling, sweet words, gifts, dates; your relationship/marriage will be strong

22. The reason why your relationship or marriage is not growing and being blessed is because of your affair

23. The reason why you have been single for long is because you are entertaining, flirting and sexing taken people

24. Most affairs drag on because the two cheating despite knowing it is wrong, they keep lying to themselves “Let us meet and do it one last time”

25. Alot of men once they are caught cheating, claim that they are polygamous to cover up and legitimize their infidelity yet they married the wife promising her exclusivity and monogamy

26. A relationship/marriage can survive and thrive after infidelity only if the cheater changes, puts in the work and the two seek counselling, forgiveness and patiently go through the healing process